Contradictory, My Dear Inuyasha
by Inuyasha'sHomie
Summary: Every Main Character is changed by my sense of humor and their adventures are a lot more funnier, hilariously funnier, MUST HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR AND MUST NOT BE EASILY OFFENDED but besides that its really funny


**Special Thanks to: Carrot the LuvMachine My Girlfriend and her sense of humor and input with this, she and I mostly did the first couple of pages together**

Inuyasha sat in a field, a flower in his hands. As seconds went by, he'd pull off few petals, sitting in wonder.

"She loves me, feh. She loves me not, FEH!!! DAMN FLOWERS!!!"

He dropped the flower and then suddenly he saw something move in the bushes

"EEEKKKKKK!!!!!" screamed Inuyasha "a demon! A demon! Get it away from me!"

Out of the bushes jumped a savage looking young girl. She had hair about waist-length; her brown eyes glistened as she glared at the nondemon boy before her. "Yo, Inuyasha, mah homie, sup?"

"N-N-Nothing!"

Kagome lifted a brow. "Yo scared or som-tin?"

"Yes!" Inuyasha curled up into a ball of defense and covered his head, cowering in fear.

"Kagome-sama, dearest, you're not picking on sweet little Inuyasha again, are you?" Miroku asked, skipping into the scene.

"Wut's it to you, you cracka ass priest's bitch?" Kagome asked, her hands on her hips, rolling her eyes. She pulled her baggy pants up, as they slipped once again.

SLAP!

"EEEEEEEEP!!!!!!" Miroku cried, leaping into the air, and attaching himself to a tree limb. "A PERVERT!!"

"Silly, it's just me, Miroku!!" Sango replied as she pulled Miroku down by his ass. She gently rubbed and cupped his buns in her hands, slowly moving her way to the front. "Kagome what did I say about being mean to my cracker?" Sango asked

"Yo shut ya trap ho"

The sound of a voice being cleared was heard as a small fox/cat-like animal stepped out of the bushes. "Actually, Kagome, dearest Sango asked you countless times to please cease from mocking her 'sex toy'" Kirara, the voice of reason, answered from atop Shippou's head.

"BARK BARK!" Shippou agreed, his tongue hanging out as countless amounts of drool began to pile up at his feet.

"Yes, Shippou, we are supposed to be going." Kirara began to walk, as everyone followed her, being the leader and all. "We have a match against Naraku and his gay lover in about an hour, and we must be off."

Inuyasha began to follow Kirara as he turned around and whispered to the rest of the gang, "how come she's the only one who can understand dogs?"

"Cuz stupit, you're stupit stupit, now lets get goin I'm hungary"

"Damn you're fat" said Shippou but only Kirara understood, because he said it as "bark, bark, bark" and Kirara laughed

"Dit we miss anything?" asked Kagome

"Of course not my dear, let's continue on" replied Kirara as she snickered once again.

Miroku shivered and rubbed his scrawny arms. "Geez, you're all scaring me!!"

At that second, Sango leapt upon him, grabbing him around the neck and starting to take his clothing off. "Don't be scared, sexy, I'll protect you."

"AHHHH!!! EPPPP!!!"

"Feh."

Meanwhile

"Do you think this dress makes my ass look big?" asked Naraku, twirling around in front of a full length mirror, staring at his figure.

"No darling, you are like the rose, a sweet a precious flower and lovely to all" replied Sesshomaru grabbing Naraku's hips from behind

"You always were a sweetheart to me..." Naraku replied kissing Sesshomaru on the cheek

"Thank you my lady, but now we must rush into battle, quickly mount a stead!" said Sesshomaru as he pointed towards the door

"I'll mount you later, my Shakespearian lover, but now we have to go fight your brother and his friend, so I have to pick out a good dress, so how about this one?"

"Sadly I love a fool, but, that one makes you more as beautiful as a vain, fen-sucked strumpet" replied Sesshomaru

"That's an I look beautiful right?" asked Naraku "I'm taking it as I look beautiful, I choose this one" and Naraku walked out the door, twirling in his dress and left Sesshomaru behind

"Why has God forsaken me?" asked Sesshomaru down on his hands in knees, staring at the ceiling "why did I have to be pulled in by this lovely harpy's song?"

"Come on Sesshomaru" said Naraku "we're going to be late" as he ran into the room grabbing Sesshomaru by his arm and pulling him out the door

Meanwhile

"So dis is wher we are supposed to meet those guys?" asked Kagome

"Yes, Kagome, we're supposed to meet them here" responded Kirara "but they are late, which is new for gays"

"God, they're so slow, what could be taking them so long?" asked Miroku

SLAP! Miroku turned his head once again to see Sango's hand gripping his buns

"I'll keep you busy" said Sango as she smiled a wicked smile as she held Miroku's buns in her hand

Just then Naraku danced onto the scene "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and..." Naraku sang

"And Gay!!!!!" sang Sesshomaru as he danced onto the scene grasping Naraku's hands and dancing with him

"I'm in love with a fabulous boy" Naraku finished singing as he blushed dancing with his lover

"Eh, excuse me" said Kagome "I know you two are gay and everyting, but we want to have a fight here"

"Sorry" said Naraku, breaking free of his lover's grip and turned to them

"You lady are a burly-boned reeling-ripe pignut!" said Sesshomaru "you disturbed mine and my lover's gallivanting"

"Is that fag talk for I wanna fight?" asked Kagome "I guess so!" and she jumped in between Sesshomaru and Naraku, and she elbowed Naraku in the gut, then punched him in the face, then delivered an upper-cut to Naraku's face and Naraku flew and hit up against a tree and Naraku laid there "that wasn't so hard" Kagome said as she turned back towards the group seeing everyone standing there except Inuyasha "yo, wher is Inuyasha at?" asked Kagome, everyone started looking around except for Kagome who just stood there with her hands on her hips

"Stay in the happy place, stay in the happy face" Inuyasha said to himself as he hid under a bush, curled up into a ball, he kept repeating that over and over, and then the bush cover over him was pulled away

"YO STUPIT!!!" screamed Kagome, and Inuyasha jumped up onto a tree limb "yo, you gonna use tha sword or wha?" she asked

"T..T..T..This?" Inuyasha asked pointing to the Tetsusaiga, "i..i..i..It's just for show"

"Not nemore, gimme tha sword" Kagome said and she pulled it away from him

"F..F..Fine just don't hurt me!" said Inuyasha as he curled up on the branch

"Thou have scarred my beauty's body!" said Sesshomaru "I challenge you!"

"Bring it on skank" said Kagome holding the sword but then suddenly everyone could she a tornado coming their way "wha the hell?"

The tornado stopped right in-between Kagome and Sesshomaru, "Hello everyone" said Koga, "Hi I'm Koga and I work for Super Speedy Decorating, we decorate rooms and such, for a simple price of money in a simple amount of time" He ran up to Naraku laying down and pulled out a piece of wallpaper "you see this wallpaper would so go with your skin, it would make your house or room so superb"

"You're right" said Naraku "Sessho honey, can we get our house redone by this guy?"

"The winds of change are blowing in my direction" said Sesshomaru

"That's a maybe then" said Naraku "what else do you have to offer Mr. Koga?"

"Well we do everything to a house, change furniture, wallpaper, sheets you name it we do it" replied Koga

"Cuse me, aren't we supposed to be fightin her?" asked Kagome

"One second dearry" said Naraku preoccupied with Koga

"You know a floral pattern who really bring out your eyes" said Koga

"Wow you also do clothing?" asked Naraku

"Of course silly" said Koga "now I think you would look beautiful in a dark dress with some kind of floral pattern on it, the dark color will bring out your eyes while the floral pattern will bring out your happiness to a room"

"God you're such a dear, I want to just eat you up" said Naraku

Sesshomaru grew jealous and his eyes became bright red, "though vile villain has enslaved the green-eyed monster to my soul, I will vanquish him before the moon arises" he said to himself

"Did you say anything sweetheart?" asked Naraku

"Neh, woman" responded Sesshomaru

Suddenly, Kagome pounced on Koga stabbing him straight into his back and out his chest, Koga dropped to the ground as the sword was still in him "so we gonna get it on or wha?" asked Kagome as she stood above the dead wolf demon's body

"YOU KILLED MY DECORATOR!" screamed Naraku as he jumped up

Kagome punched Naraku in the face, and Naraku began to bleed and once again, Kagome punched him in the gut and then she took Naraku by his shoulder and flipped him over her and threw him at Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru dodged and Naraku hit a tree

"Thou vile venomous retch!" said Sesshomaru "you have insulted my lady's honor, we will fight!" said Sesshomaru and he charged and Kagome and stood right in front of her, "prepare for my ultimate attack!" Sesshomaru pulled his arm backwards as he prepared to punch Kagome, and she just stood there, and right before Sesshomaru's fist hit her face she braced herself, and it was just a slight tap, "die woman!" Kagome didn't even move, Sesshomaru turned his head to the side again began slapping her as he said "take that, and that and that and this and that!" he said and then he stopped "are you vanquished yet?" he asked as he turned back his head to face her, his answer was a punch in the face from Kagome, it sent him flying and he landed on top of Naraku

"Damn, you two are so weak" said Kagome "you make Mistress Centipede look like 50"

"YO YO YO" said an approaching voice

"Werd, is tha who I thik it is?" asked Kagome

"Yo b correct if you tought it was me" said Jaken stepping from behind a few bushes, wearing big sunglasses, a big fur coat, big purple hat and had gold fronts and gold rings all over his fingers, and he holding part of a leach

"Werd it is Grand Master Pimp Jaken" said Kagome as she bent down and did their black handshake "Grip, Slip, Pull, Pound, Pound, Punch, Iceeeee!" they both said as they did the handshake, "its been long" said Kagome

"Yeah, I know" replied Jaken

"Wha the leach fo?" asked Kagome

"Oh that's for my first ho on my ho train" he said "come out here" he said as he pulled on the leach and Kagura stepped from out of the bushes, wearing a short skirt, skimpy top and a lot of makeup wit a leach around her neck, and she sat down next to Jaken and cuddled with him "I did hav nother ho wit me" said Jaken "but she a free roamin ho"

"Wher she at?" asked Kagome

"She must b walkin round gain" replied Jaken "she's a good lil ho, she always comes back to the Grand Master Pimp, she's such a slut, no matta wha age or sex the person b she always takes em for a wild ass ride"

"Tha cool, tha cool" said Kagome "wha her name?"

"Well she neva told me her real ass name but everyone calls her Rowdy, cuz she so rowdy, rough, n doesn't stop until it not tough" replied Jaken

"Tha cool" replied Kagome "so yo bring any liquor?"

"Yo bet, come on everyone let get punch ass drunk on my Pimp Juice!" said Jaken as he pulled out a mini-frig from no where and opened it, took out some champagne and glasses and started pouring some and passing it out

While everyone was drinking Inuyasha was passed out in the tree, with a mysterious white powder under his nose

Meanwhile

Rowdy aka Rin, wearing a tight little skirt, a tight top, a thong and no bra, as she held a giant purse and she came across Kanna, who was wearing a long white dress with a white bow and she held a mirror in her hair "yo girl" said Rin, Kanna had no response, she just stood there and looked frightened, "its okay, you don't have to be afraid me"

Kanna moved closer to Rin "hi" she said and she put her mirror down

"You know you're pretty you should pull your hair back" said Rin and placed her purse next to her and then she put Kanna's hair pack in a ponytail

"Thanks, you're pretty too" replied Kanna

"Wanna see me naked?" asked Rin

"O..O..Okay" said Kanna meekly

"It will be okay" said Rin as she took her top off and placed Kanna's hand on one of her breasts, "we'll have fun together at free of charge"

Kanna held the bosom in her hand and rubbed it "your breasts feel good" she said

Rin already took off her skirt and then her thong, "thanks, do you like how I look?"

"Y..Y..Yes" said Kanna, and Rin began to undress Kanna, "what are you doing?" Kanna asked

"Trust me" said Rin "you'll like it" and when Kanna was fully undressed, Rin reached and pulled over her purse and dumped it out, to reveal a load of sex toys, Rin picked one up and went to work on Kanna, and then Kanna went to work on Rin and they kept going on and on, and their moans echoed throughout the night, but no one at the drunken party could here it and no one at that drunken party seemed to care, that no one cleaned up Koga's dead body

The Next Morning

The next morning, Kanna woke up to see her lover from the night before, nude and doing something to pleasure Kohaku, a local bum who just wore a torn-up old robe, it seemed every time he got money he went to "Rowdy" for pleasure, "Okay, you know the fee" said Rin

"Fine here you go" said Kohaku, handing Rin a thick ward of money "I'll find you next time I have enough money and we'll go at it again"

"Fine, bye" said Rin, and then she rolled over and laid next to Kanna, holding her

"What was that?" asked Kanna

"That was part of my job" replied Rin

"So I'm just part of your job too huh?" asked Kanna sadly

"No" replied Rin "I love you, but other people they're just jobs"

"Really?" asked a nude Kanna

"Yes" said Rin and she frenched Kanna deeply and then pulled out the vibrator again "come on let's go back to sleep" Rin said and she smiled as she turned it on

Meanwhile

Everyone was waking up from the drunken party except Sesshomaru and Naraku; they kept drinking through the night "Bite your tongue strumpet, you loved him!" screamed Sesshomaru

"I didn't care about him!" screamed back Naraku

"Liar!" screamed Sesshomaru and he bitched slapped Naraku

"Don't call me a liar!" screamed back Naraku, bitch slapping Sesshomaru back

"Keep thy vile hands to yourself whore!" said Sesshomaru, bitch slapping Naraku back

"No one understands what you say, retard!" screamed back Naraku, bitch slapping Sesshomaru again

"Thou filthy putrid vagabond, even when thy legs are closed they are still open!" screamed back Sesshomaru and returning the bitch slap

"Could you guys shut the hell up?" asked Sango, laying next to Miroku "I had a lot to drink and now I have a hangover"

"Silence!" screamed Sesshomaru

"I didn't love him, he was only a decorator you no good jackass!" screamed back Naraku to Sesshomaru, returning his bitch slap

"Your virginity was taking from a piece of plastic that vibrates!" screamed back Sesshomaru, bitch slapping Naraku so hard, Naraku fell down, and then Naraku began to cry, Sesshomaru dropped down to his knees and held Naraku in his arms, "I am sorry, my lady, and I do believe thou"

"You're forgiven, you jealous idiot" said Naraku as he wiped away his tears and hugged Sesshomaru "I love you and only you"

"Yo actually stopped fightin" said Kagome "it about time, now go to bed!" and Kagome laid down

"Let's us return home, my lady" said Sesshomaru

"Yes, we should" said Naraku "and when we get home, I shall, how do I say this? 'Mount your stead?'"

"Then quickly like a clap of lighting let us return to home!" said Sesshomaru as him and Naraku walked into the sunrise

Later that day

Kagome and everyone woke from their slumbers to discover Kikyo standing in front of them

"Yo Kiks, sup?" asked Kagome, standing up letting her baggy pants fall down on purpose to expose her Hamtaro underwear to Kikyo and then she pulled them up quickly

"Woo, Kagome, its Hamtaro time" said Sango and then she looked shocked "that sounded so...unstraight..." then Sango grabbed Miroku and pulled him over to her and she grabbed his buns, causing him to scream "yeah that's better" said Sango

"So Kiks, sup?" asked Kagome once again

"Shut your trap you dirty whigger" responded Kikyo

"Woo woo woo, calm down Kikyo that's taking a step too far" said Kirara

"Why?" asked Kikyo "what did I say wrong?"

"Never mind" said Kirara, slapping her paw up against her head, "nothing at all"

"You have some serious issues you little Jap cat" said Kikyo, once again without knowing she said anything racist

"So Kiks miss me?" asked Kagome

"Like a white southern missed a black man" said Kikyo, once again oblivious to the fact of her racism, then she looked depressed

"Is everything okay?" asked Miroku in his sincere voice

"Nothings okay" replied Kikyo "I hate being undead, I just want to die, again"

"Wow that seems a little serious, maybe you should go see a psychiatrist" said Miroku

Kagome turned around to face Miroku and walked up to him "yo see here priest's bitch, my gerl, Kiks, needs no psychiatrist-ians to go under she's fine as is" while Kagome was saying this to Miroku, Kikyo had already climbed a tree, tied a rope around her neck and then a branch and then prepared to jump, Kagome turned around, "Kiks wait!" screamed Kagome as she ran under Kikyo, catching Kikyo, so she wouldn't hang herself, and then she cut the rope around Kikyo's neck with the sword in Koga's body

"You no good wish-you-were-black woman!" screamed Kikyo as she was in Kagome's arms "I wanted to die!!!" and Kagome let her down

"It's okay Kiks" said Kagome "yo'll b fine"

"I told you silly, she needs a psychiatrist" said Miroku

"No, the only thin she needs is a good talkin too" said Kagome "Kiks, yo'll b fine, yo don't hav to die"

"I want to!" screamed Kikyo

"No" said Kagome as she slapped Kikyo across the face, "yo" and she slapped Kikyo again "don't" and she slapped Kikyo hard one last time

"Why is she abusing me like the English language?" asked Kikyo "why?!"

"I gots it!" said Kagome "yo just want some lovin" and she grabbed Kikyo and began to make out wit her

"Oh my god" said Miroku

"Wow, I'm turned on" said Sango and then she looked shocked again so she grabbed Miroku's buns once again

Inuyasha just sat in the tree watching Kagome and Kikyo make out, and they rubbed each other all over, "I wonder what this would look like on the special powder I have" and he reached into his pocket and pulled out some strange white powder, and he snorted it up and then he looked at the two women again, "damn all the pretty colors, this stuff, FEH!!, is awesome" he said to himself "even my hands look, FEH!!, awesome, life rocks!"

Jaken sat up against the tree as Kagura 'pleasured' him, "maybe I should hire those two bitches to b my hoes" he said to himself "I always did like Kagome"

Kaede walked on the scene, with tie-dye robes on, she had a tie-dye bow in her hair, along with flowers in her hair and hands, "Hello children" said Kaede and then she quickly noticed her sister and Kagome making out "you two children really feel the love"

Kagome broke free from Kikyo's grip "Oh, yo Kaede" she said

"Hello Kagome, what you doing?" asked Kaede

"Comfortin yur sista" she responded "it fun"

"I could tell, you two really feel the love" said Kaede and she walked up to Sango and handed her a flower "feel the love" she said to Sango

"Oh I feel the love" said Sango and she grabbed Miroku's buns again

"Now that's what I'm talking about" said Kaede and she moved on to Kirara "feel the love, animal child"

"Thank you but I'm not really that type of..." Kirara was interrupted by Shippou on top of her licking her face, "I get it Shippou! I get it! You love me!"

"Ah, beautiful animal love" said Kaede and she moved onto Inuyasha, "feel the love" and she handed him a flower

"FEH!!! Not now busy!" he responded

"What do you have in your hand child?" asked Kaede

"Nothing, FEH!!!, it's mine!" he responded

"Child, you have the 'pleasure powder' don't you?" asked Kaede and she pride opened Inuyasha's hand to reveal the 'pleasure powder' "you do, I haven't seen any of this in a long time, may I have some?" she asked and then she just took it all and ran away from him

"FEH!! That's mine!" screamed Inuyasha, chasing after her and then he stopped, "what...is... happening... to me?!" he asked as he dropped to the ground in pain and he tore off his shirt and he bowed down and stopped moving around

"Inuyasha child, are you hip?" asked Kaede

"GAH!!!!" Inuyasha screamed as he raised his head to reveal he had red eyes, purple marks on his face and long claws, "ARGH!!!" the new Inuyasha screamed

"Inuyasha, are you feeling okay child?" asked Kaede

And the new Inuyasha arouse to its feet and it had an arched back, ".... Crack..." said Inuyasha as it pointed to Kaede's hand

"What my child?" she asked and then she looked at her hand "oh so that's what you call 'pleasure powder'"

"CRACK!!" screamed Inuyasha

"Stay cool my child, peace" and she held up two fingers as the peace symbol

Inuyasha quickly dashed over, he stood in front of Kaede "...Crack!" he said angrily and simply

"No its mine child" she replied "children shouldn't have the 'pleasure powder'"

"CRACK!!!" screamed Inuyasha once again and Kaede began to run away and Inuyasha chased after her swiping at her, and with every swipe he would say "die be-itch!" luckily none of the swipes hit

"Inuyasha, Peace my brother!!!" screamed Kaede as she ran from the dark Inuyasha

"DIE BE-ITCH" Inuyasha screamed as he swiped at Kaede again, Kaede wasn't hit by the swipe but she tripped and fell on the ground

"This is not love" she said sadly

Inuyasha quickly pounced on her and stared her in the face, ".....crack" he said

Kaede opened her hand to show it missing, "it fell from my hand when I fell onto Mother Earth" she said

Inuyasha looked angrier "MORE CRACK!!" he screamed in her face

"I have no more" replied Kaede, Inuyasha looked at her even more evilly "I guess this means...it's mine turn to go..." Inuyasha nodded "I guess this is the circle of life" she said "but before I go" she reached into her hair and pulled out a flower and gave it to Inuyasha "everyone had someone; I always thought you were my someone"

Inuyasha took it and stood up straight and pointed to a field full of flowers, "...more" he said simply

"Yes child those are more flowers" replied Kaede

Inuyasha pointed towards a tree, "...tree" said Inuyasha

"Yes that's a tree" Kaede said and she stood up

Inuyasha pointed to a bush "...bush" said Inuyasha

"Yes" replied Kaede

Inuyasha then pointed to the crack that fell from Kaede's hand and he looked puzzled for a moment, "...crack???" asked Inuyasha

"Yes, but you really shouldn't..." and before Kaede could finish her explanation Inuyasha had snorted the crack up and then laid down and looked up into the sky

"Feh...sky...pretty" Inuyasha said

Kaede laid down next to him, "yes child" she said and Inuyasha cuddled with her, not realizing he was cuddling with a sixty-some odd woman

Final Comment for This Chapter:

So now Inuyasha has his grandmother-like hippy lover, Kagome has her can't-realize-she's-a-racist and depressed lover, Miroku has his perverted, I want to leave her but I love the sexual harassment girlfriend, Sango has her girl-like priest's bitch sex machine's buns to grab, Kirara has her fox boy's love, Shippou has the love of the voice of reason, Sesshomaru is with his homosexual evil lover, Naraku has his homosexual Shakespearian lover, Jaken has his hoes, especially Kagura, Rin "Rowdy" has her pale meek girlfriend, Kanna has her trainer of the sexual arts and life partner's love, Kikyo has her gangsta girlfriend who is always ready to rush into battle and Kaede, well she has the love of a cracked-up half demon who is afraid of his own shadow... trust me, there will be another chapter of this


End file.
